wanting others to fail

For the first time in a long time. I let myself feel all of it.

These kind of feelings only come after a deep loss

Loss of a relationship, game, hope…

I’m such a good fighter until then.

For the first time in a long time, I really wanted someone to fail.

I see them passing me in this race I’ve been running for a long time.

And now that they’ve passed me, I hope other people beat them out.

But they keep running faster and faster… while i watch from behind. 

Why can’t that be me? I think to myself. 

Immediately, I catch myself. This isn’t who I am anymore.

But I can’t help the feeling, it’s so deep.

I feel it all.

The jealousy, the comparison, the “I’m never good enough” and “will I ever be?”

As I emptied my heart to a friend, what she told me halted me in tracks.

She told me, “it’s okay”. 

It’s okay?

How it is okay? I’ve been working on myself for so long.

“How to stop being a bitter b*tch” is two years old. It’s not okay, for me to feel like this when I’ve worked so hard to put it behind me.

It’s okay. 

I slumped over, defeated. I realized then in my heart, it was okay. 

It’s okay to wish others to fail not because it’s a nice thing to do (or that you really mean it), but because you have to feel what you have to feel in the moment. 

Repression won’t help you now. 

Be mad, be sad, yell it from the rooftops. You deserve to feel the strong emotions because you’ve been working your f*cking ass off. You’ve been defying the odds for too long. You can have a moment. 

The battle continues in my head. It’s not right, I don’t actually feel that way. I’m just mad at myself. 

I breathe. 

I take some more breaths. 

I calm down. 

As days go on, the feeling lingers, but it loses some power. 

The race is over, everyone already passed me as I finish at the line. 

The pain of defeat has settled. It’s time to move on. 

A day, a week passes. 

There are bad days and better ones. 

On the bad ones, a thought that has haunted me over the years resurfaces… “why does it feel like I always have the harder route?” 

Someone else’s journey always looks easier from the outside. 

Whether it be true or not, I realize it doesn’t matter. 

I can handle it. 

Why am I so good at handling it? I joke. 

Success is not determined by winning, success is about getting up after you fail. - somebody

And I’ll get up every time.